On Waiting
by DevilsArchangel
Summary: RyanSeth slash. Ryan POV.


Disclaimer:  Not mine, but, 'cmon folks, if they were, they'd surely be doing something a lot more interesting things than this...  And, oh, yeah, the song "I Shall Believe" belongs to Sheryl Crow and others.

Title:  On waiting

_I'm broken in two _

_And I know you're on to me _

_That I only come home _

_When I'm so all alone _

_But I do believe

* * *

_

Looking back, Ryan really should have thought this through.  (He's not saying he's a planner, he's just saying...growing up in Chino, you kind of have to be good at figuring things out in advance so you don't get into too much trouble.)

Not that he wants to stop now.  Because he doesn't. 

Except he kind of does. 

Don't get him wrong, he loves the Cohens and he'd do anything to get Sandy to relax again, to get him to take that surfboard out for some waves again, do anything to get Kristen to put down that sixth drink, but, looking at it now, he thinks keeping this particular promise is gonna be harder than he first thought it would be.

Because, when he sees those cold eyes and firm scowl on Seth's face on Luke's dad's lawn—things so foreign there it hurts Ryan to look at them—he realizes it would be an understatement to say that he was just having second thoughts.

Already, despite all the anger that's been building up since Chino—since he found out Seth was gone—the slow burn he'd kept fueled by Sandy's lack of a tan, Kristen's need for a third wine rack, Summer's credit card bill to QVC, and his own pent up frustration—he can feel all that start to drain and ebb away because…because, even if Seth wasn't looking at him like _that_, he'd still be standing in front of Ryan, and that—he decides—is enough to make Ryan's stomach do cartwheels.

Only...only Seth _is_ looking at him that way and the nervousness that Ryan feels is another kind all together.  And, even though he sees the narrowed eyes and thin lips, Ryan's still shocked to hear the unspoken anger in Seth's voice.

* * *

_That not everything is gonna be the way _

_You think it ought to be _

_It seems like every time I try to make it right _

_It all comes down on me _

_Please say honestly you won't give up on me _

_And I shall believe _

_And I shall believe

* * *

_

"You have absolutely _no_ right to be mad at me," Seth nearly hisses and Ryan thinks he can feel some of that fire seep back into his bones.

"You _left_, Seth…"Ryan says in a nearly exasperated voice, but all Seth does is cross his arms, toss his head back and let out a derisive laugh.

"Funny.  'Cause, as I remember it, I wasn't the only one," Seth says, voice growing more serious as Ryan meets his eyes. 

Then, Seth turns around and, had it not been for the months of practice of listening to Seth's pointless chatter, Ryan would have almost missed it.  "Or, the first..."

* * *

_Open the door _

_And show me your face tonight _

_I know it's true _

_No one heals me like you _

_And you hold the key

* * *

_

Ryan grits his teeth and he can feel his fists tightening, so he sighs and takes a deep breath even though—he knows—his voice will still sound raspy and strained.  "That's _different_," he grunts.  "It's not like _I_ had a choice.  It's not like I was willingly hurting Sandy and Kristen just because I felt like acting like a spoiled little rich kid who—"

Suddenly, Seth is facing him, eyes dark with a rage Ryan never knew could exist inside them.  "You think I had a _choice_?!" Seth yells, arms flailing, as Ryan tries not to wince.  "'Cause, yes, Ryan, I had a _multitude_ of friends and was unequivocally _happy_ before you came and I could just run to any one of them!  That I could share my _life_ with any one of them!  That, now that you _left_, I could have that again, because, no, that place is no where _near_ the hell people make it out to be!"

It takes a while for the words to register in Ryan's mind, but when they do, Ryan can't help but feel more than a little hurt because, not only has he never heard Seth this caustic, but he never thought Seth could be this caustic to _him_.  He opens his mouth to say something but then notices something change in Seth's eyes and he realizes he doesn't know what to do.

* * *

_Come to me now _

_And lay your hands over me _

_Even if it's a lie _

_Say it will be alright _

_And I shall believe

* * *

_

"Look, I'm really sorry I'm hurting Mom and Dad and Summer, but...I couldn't stay there.  Not where it doesn't feel like home. I mean, don't you get it?  I _hate_ that place.  You were just the one that made it—" Seth pauses as he swallows and Ryan's just standing there waiting.  "I just...I can't do it.  Not now."

Ryan eyebrows furrow and he feels a sudden stab of anger and frustration and he finds it weird—and kind of unsettling—that he doesn't know why.

"I _said_ you could come visit," Ryan nearly hisses through clenched teeth and suddenly the longest second and a half that ever existed inserts itself into their conversation before Seth throws his head back again and the derisive laugh is back, only, now, Ryan thinks he can hear a half-sob blended into it.

* * *

_Never again _

_Would I turn away from you _

_I'm so heavy tonight _

_But your love is alright _

_And I do believe

* * *

_

"So I could, what, Ryan?"  Seth belts with that half-amused, half-disbelieving smile and it pains Ryan to look at him.  It takes a quarter of a second to look at Seth's eyes, but once he does, Ryan thinks he can see the his own reflection on their watery surfaces.  "So I could what?  So I could watch you and Theresa play _house_?  Because, no, I really don't have even one iota of self-esteem.  Hmm, let's think about that.  Hmm...how about...oh, um, _no thanks_," Seth says with that half-mock laugh, half-scoff that Ryan has come to hate.

"I may be masochistic but even I have my limits."

Seth breaks off his sentence with an embarrassingly high voice and looks at Ryan with _those_ eyes, and Ryan has to blink before suddenly a flash lights in his head and everything just connects.

* * *

_That not everything is gonna be the way _

_You think it ought to be _

_It seems like every time I try to make it right _

_It all comes down on me

* * *

_

"Seth, I…" Ryan starts, but then he realizes Seth's already gone, turned around and began walking to Luke's dad's door.

"Seth…" Ryan tries again, taking a step forward, hand slightly outstretched, but stops, as Seth turns around with those sad, resigned, tired eyes, Ryan just knows this won't end well.

* * *

_That not everything is gonna be the way _

_You think it ought to be _

_It seems like every time I try to make it right _

_It all comes down on me _

_Please say honestly _

_You won't give up on me _

_And I shall believe _

_I shall believe _

_And I shall believe

* * *

_

"Just…go, Ryan," Seth says in a scratchy, tired, but certain, voice and unshifting eyes, slighlty shaking his head in a disbelieving manner, and, at that moment, Ryan decides that a person _can_ feel their lungs just collapse in on them. 

"Just…go."

Then, Seth is turned around again, shutting the door without so much as a backwards glance at Ryan, and Ryan feels like kicking himself for not connecting the dots sooner.

* * *

_Open the door _

_And show me your face tonight _

_I know it's true _

_No one heals me like you _

_And you hold the key

* * *

_

Inside, though, he keeps some hope because he knows Seth is the forgiving type and he wonders—if he stays out here long enough—how long he'll have to stay out here before Seth comes back out again, superglue in hand, to pick up the pieces and put both their worlds back together.

* * *

_Please say honestly _

_You won't give up on me _

_And I shall believe

* * *

_

So he waits.

And waits.

And waits.

It's a full fifteen minutes later and Ryan finds he still doesn't know if he should leave, stay, or just let himself cry.


End file.
